It’s no secret that here at RetroEnt, we love Harry Potter as much as the next guy – and the next guy IS Harry Potter. Yep, we’re total Potterheads. Because of that, you can probably imagine how gosh darned excited we were when we turned our attention to Twitter and read that a new Harry Potter chapter had been released. However, it’s fair to say that this new chapter isn’t exactly what we’re used to…
This new Harry Potter chapter was not written by J.K Rowling – and we’d like to make that pretty clear, because we doubt ol’ Joanne would like her name associated with this large pile of ash (you’ll laugh about that joke in a minute, we promise it’s funny). Instead, it’s been written by an AI. Yuh-huh, artificial intelligence, y’all. This incredible feat of whatever-the-heck-this-is was brought to us by Botnik Studios, a content creation community, who inputted all of the Harry Potter novels into an algorithmic tool. As a result, the AI was able to construct its own three-page chapter. What’s the name of the chapter, we hear you cry? Well, it’s called ‘Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash.’ Geddit now?
It’s fair to say that the result is an utter pile of rubbish (unless it’s a new form of Ancient Runes they haven’t got around to teaching at Hogwarts yet), as the computer has churned out grammatically correct gobbledegook – although we do appreciate that it is grammatically correct. However, you can already tell from the title that J.K won’t be commissioning it as a little add-on to her multi-billion dollar magical franchise.
Here are just a few of our favorite sentences from this epic new chapter:
Ron was standing there and doing a kind of frenzied tap dance. He saw Harry and immediately began to eat Hermione’s family.
They looked at the door, screaming about how closed it was and asking it to be replaced with a small orb. The password was “BEEF WOMEN,” Hermione cried.
Harry could tell that Voldemort was standing right behind him. He felt a great overreaction. Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest.
“Not so handsome now,” thought Harry as he dipped Hermione in hot sauce. The Death Eaters were dead now, and Harry was hungrier than he had ever been.
The pig of Hufflepuff pulsed like a large bullfrog. Dumbledore smiled at it, and placed his hand on its head: “You are Hagrid now.”
THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!
Although the algorithm and the AI regurgitated the bulk of the text, a team of writers at Botnik Studios had to use predictive keyboards to transform the extreme gobbledegook into something a bit more intelligible. Well, at least we know AIs won’t be taking over our jobs any time soon. If you want to read the whole thing (which we highly recommend you do because it’s downright hilarious), you can check it out here.
If this has got you in the mood for Hazza P, why not check out the Things You Didn’t Know About The Harry Potter Movies.